I think I'll run for president
Why not? The field of GOP candidates who haven't a snowball's chance of getting elected is growing by the day.
My campaign will be based on Pat Paulsen’s
I figured that if I announced before former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christy does next week, I’ll cut into his base, and move up to say, 0.001 percent in the next poll of Republican candidates.
What’s that you say? I don’t have any chance to get elected? I say, what the hell does that matter? Does Kristi Noem have a chance? Doug Burgum? Chris Sununu. (Your can look them up here, if you’re all that curious.) What makes these and others declare? Is it my ego, like theirs? No, I’m running because I know that I’ll win, a cinderella dark horse, like the college basketball team that makes it to the Final Four and wins the hearts of the electorate.
Besides, there’s precedent.
Many of you lads and lassies aren’t old enough to remember Patrick Layton Paulsen. A comedian, actor and satirist, Pat Paulson ran in 1968 and 1996. The Smothers Brothers (you’ll need to look them up too, here.) suggested it, and he said, “Why not?” seeing as how there’d be a nice government pension.
His Wikipedia bio explained:
He ran the supposed campaigns using obvious lies, double talk, and tongue-in-cheek attacks on the major candidates, and he responded to all criticism with his catchphrase "Picky, picky, picky." His campaign slogans included, "Just a common, ordinary, simple savior of America's destiny,” “We’ve upped our standards, now up yours,” and, “United we sit.” He gave essentially the same answer to every question on social issues: "To get to the meat of the matter, I will come right to the point, and take note of the fact that the heart of the issue in the final analysis escapes me."
Nothing’s changed, right? I can lie, attack, obfuscate, duck, dodge and weave with the best of them. Go ahead, ask me something. Anything.
What would I do about the economy? Well…I’d fix it. Don’t ask me how; the press doesn’t bother to ask any of the other candidates for details either.
How about illegal immigration flooding across the Southern border? What immigration? Don’t you know that the border is closed?
Who would be my running mate? I’m committed to having an Irish/German/Canadian/Huguenot vice president because that’s what I am and none have ever served in high office. It’s time!
What if there’s another pandemic? Would you make everyone stay home, close the schools, shut down the economy? I’d follow the science. Meaning that I’d turn all the decision-making over to a non-elected bureaucrat who says if you disagree with him, you disagree with science because he is science.
Do you think schools should teach kindergarteners about oral sex? I’d go along with whatever the teachers’ unions want. (In the hope that they’d contribute to my campaign fund.)
What would you do if China invaded Taiwan? I’d ask Hunter Biden to use his China connections to plead with the commies to please don’t do that.
Where do you stand on abortion? I won’t have one.
How would you fight crime in our big cities? After due consideration and consultation with academics and other know-it-alls, and examining the problem from afar in the comfort of my Gold Coast home, I’ve concluded that something has to be done. As my campaign slogan says, “Somebody do something!”
Right about now you're saying to yourself that my answers are frivolous and stupid. I say, what does it matter? So many people vote for the same reasons—ones that are frivolous and stupid.
I’ll share a secret with you if you promise not to tell. I’m running because I want Don Trump to win. Me and all those increasing numbers of Republican candidates are in cahoots to allow Trump, like he did in 2016 to win the nomination with a plurality of hard-core supporters.
But why? Actually we’re in cahoots with Democrats whose greatest wish is to see Trump as the GOP nominee. Because they think he’ll be easiest to beat. Even if he runs against Biden or Kamala Harris. Kick in the nightmares.
Maybe they’ll even pay me in my great endeavor. I mean, look what Democrats did in Illinois to get Jay Robert Pritzker re-elected governor. They poured their own money into ads to promote the weakest Republican candidate—someone they could easily beat. And sure enough, Republican voters bit, nominating the weakest candidate. Who got stomped in the general election.
Well, this is all too confusing and conspiratorial. So, don’t send any campaign donations.
By the way, for those of you who don’t know, because you are studying American anti-history as told by the woke racists, Pat Paulson didn’t win.