Help! Someone! Please! I'm trapped in digital hell!

We shudda stopped with this.

First of a series.

As I type this, I’m sitting here waiting for my printer to decide whether it wants to print a check. Back when I wrote checks with a pen, I would have been done 10 minutes ago. Hell, I could have paid every bill that’s waiting.

Instead, I wait and wait for the printer to, well, print. It doesn’t. And I’m about, once again, to hit the road to hell, were computer instructions are composed by assorted chuckling devils, fiends and shaitans.

Hmmm. Quicken told me just before this that it had a new version. With some hesitation, I fear that if I load it that’ll change everything and I’d have to relearn everything. As it always happens. Well. in a foolish moment I decided, what the hell, I’ll give it a try.

Awe nuts. I doesn’t appear that my printer is connected, perhaps because it’s an updated Quicken program. I go to the help pulldown menu and I ask: “How do I connect to my printer to print checks?” The answer instantly comes up: “Sorry, can’t answer when asking two questions.” Okay, so I ask, “How do I connect my printer.” I get this answer:

I'm sorry, but as an AI specifically programmed for Quicken products and services, I am unable to provide help on connecting a printer. Please refer to your printer's user manual or the manufacturer's customer service for assistance. For Quicken-specific queries, feel free to ask, and I'll be glad to help.

Wrong, wrong wrong. I think. I need to tell Quicken how to connect to my printer—just like it always has for years. Okay, so I go to Quicken settings. Click, click, click. Nothing there to help. Back to my printer.

)*($#%$& Find (at last) the network button on the printer. Try to set it up. Oops, it tells me there’s a paper jam. I take off the back and pull out the blank checks and a couple of blank papers. Can this be whyy my laptop and printer are not communicating? I’ll tell you in a minute.

More than a minute is up. The printer spits out three pages of “HP Network Configuration Page,” full of information I can’t understand. In my frustration I must have hit the button that does it. The document does say it’s connected to my wi-fi network. I’ll try printing a Word document, As usual, Word is slow loading a blank document. I could have put three sheets into a typewriter.

Nothing. I’ll go to my laptop setting because that’s what appears to be the problem. I must be missing something. There’s nothing in the settings that has anything to do with network communication. Okay, now to the Internet.

How to add printer directs me to a video. I follow instructions. I see six printer jobs waiting. I delete all of them.

Shazam!!! It worked!!

I probably took you only a couple of minutes to read. How long did I take to follow all these “directions?” An hour? Maybe more? Time bandit, that. Creator of horrible and destructive frustration.

I’ll be told I’m an old guy and like all elderly, our brains are not formatted to handle this. Baloney, as Biden would say.

I don’t know how many hours digitaling (a word?) cost me. But I’ll give you the details in a series of post. This is just the first, but not the worst.

As for the check I was planning on printing. Screw it. I’ll do it later.